upsidedown11 (upsidedown11) wrote in transparents,

Big decisions.

Hello to everyone that is still active in this group. I was an active LiveJournal user many years ago when I began my transition. I had a web-site all about my journey and the reasons why. I joined the community as a transparent and I felt very alone. I wrote a book that some might have heard of called "My Mommy is a Boy".

I am here because some exciting and scary and unexpected things are popping up in my life and I am desperate for some fellow support in whatever it is I am going through. Oregon Health plan just began offering full services to Transgender patients. We will now receive HRT, SRS and therapy. This was a very exciting revelation- so much so that I immediately made an appointment to go in and see someone about getting my Hysto (since the only surgery that I was lucky to have was my mastectomy, years ago, having paid for it out of pocket). Anyhow, I went in to see someone Friday (1/16/15) and during the appointment they felt the need to council me on my choice and make sure it is in fact what I want and am ready for. They made sure I knew they needed my letters (because OHP is taking the standards of care very seriously), and asked me if I was truly ready to give up on having anymore children. This stirred up a world of emotions within me. Here is why:

When my daughter was around 1 year old, in 2003, My ex husband and I tried to conceive again. By the end of the 1.5 years of trying on Clomid, I decided to give up and move forward with my transition. At the time, I felt like I was not meant to have more children. The Dr. I was seeing was not supportive by any means (and not because I was going to transition, because he was not made aware of this until I stopped trying). Ever since, I have felt empty and always talk about wanting to adopt, yet I have not made that step for myself. I stopped taking my T injections not long after my chest surgery in 2007? because of mental blockages from the horrific experience I had. Pain scared me and I couldn't do my injections. About 2.5 years ago, since I was off of T for so long, I asked a friend to be my donor and I was put back on Clomid and actually attempted to conceive once again. After one try though, I started to freak out about my gender identity and said "this isn't for me". I decided to ask for T cream and have been on it since. I have been doing great- although the effects of T cream are far from what you would get from the injections; my moods were regulated and I was happier having something rather that nothing. My visit the other day changed something again though. I left feeling very pleased about the conversation with the Dr. She had said it was a human desire to have biological children and that it was not a Female/Motherly desire in my case. I felt like she said it was OK to have a pregnancy, even though I am 7 years into my transition and everyone knows me as a male now. I live in a bigger city, I have a new job, I have a whole new group of friends (who are supportive of my status) and I was happily per suing moving forward with my transition and SRS.

What is going on with me? I have not stopped thinking about getting pregnant, the pros vs. the cons, how it would effect my social status and my daughter, how my family and friends will or will not support me and worst of all, how I will be perceived at work- where not one person knows about my status and this entire things is terrifying to consider. I have a few friends who I have confided in- they are varying shades in the wide world of gender and they are very supportive of the idea, in fact they are encouraging me to do it because they believe I will regret not doing it later on in life. My sister is on this page as well. She is currently pregnant with her 3rd baby and in the last few days, thinking about that has really hurt my heart.

If anyone has any advice, input, resources or just something helpful to suggest, I will forever be grateful. I honestly feel like I did when I just found out what being "Transgender" was and its a very lost and lonely place to be.

Thanks for listening.
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